Jan 25th, 2013 by Jennifer Lynn
Have you ever lost a friend over money?
What happens when friends are less than supportive of your financial viewpoints and certain financial discrepancies cause tension in your relationships?
Vividly I recall that worst. feeling. ever: of being squashed beneath $15,000 worth of debt and all of those crippling feelings that encompass trying to conquer such a massive debt load. Unfortunately, a prerequisite of aggressively eliminating my debt meant cutting out all unnecessary expenses, which also meant that the bulk of my social spending was in jeopardy.
If I were to vanquish my debt burden as quickly as possible, then it was no longer reasonable to squander away money on going out multiple nights a week, to unwind with the girls over mimosas and martinis, especially if I were to reign in all of that dizzying and excessive spending.
Adios, you stinkin’ turd slop of debt.
Generally, however, this particular group of friends didn’t much care to recognize my blossoming endeavor toward financial responsibility. Cutting back on spending in order to pay down debt? Basically I received puzzled looks and glazed-over eyeballs. Because, c’mon, old people worried about that type of stuff. We were young. My friends didn’t want to contemplate their finances: they wished to smear on glossy lipstick and slip into their kitten-heeled sandals to shimmy to the local saloon and mingle with other attractive singles.
The problem was that going out in the city is really expensive and there was a certain expectation to these types of rendezvous. This mentality of arbitrary willy-nilly spending quickly was interfering in and becoming incompatible with my own financial objectives.
I worried, would my financial fortitude waiver while I attempted to maintain these friendships?
Eventually, regrettably, I had to cut some of these friends loose. And naturally our lives diverged for whatever reason and we all began to drift apart.
My friend Allyson recalls when a financial imbalance caused strain in a long-running friendship of her own. “Jess and I shared a similar, modest lifestyle. Together we were bargain hunters and nearly always broke students. Then we graduated and I received a promotion at work. My net wealth rapidly increased as a result and, suddenly, I couldn’t openly talk shop any more with Jess. I feared being perceived as flaunting my new wealth and it spurred tension. The situation made me feel guilty and really insecure!”
For me, the guilt manifested from saying “no” to certain friends, due to their lifestyle choices. It was straining and difficult when others didn’t share a similar enthusiasm for sacrificing the ‘now’ in order to prudently plant those seeds necessary for future financial prosperity—such as systematically paying down debt, or saving. The lack of support sometimes was frustrating and isolating.
Finances have such a huge emotional component tied in, and so this has caused me to wonder: have money issues ever interfered with or caused a friendship of yours to crumble?
=^..^=
I have cut back a lot on social spending but fortunately my friends were still happy to spend an afternoon in a park, have dinner at home or go out for ONE drink. I did lose a friendship by lending money to a friend though. There is a saying that if you lend money to someone and never see that person again, it was money well spent, and I guess it’s true.
I did face this to some degree while I was paying off my debt. There was one co-worker who actually ridiculed me when I said that I wasn’t going to go out to lunch with them every Friday because I wanted to pay down debt. She responded “Oh come on, you can’t afford $10/week?”. I learned through the grapevine that karma kicked her down hard for that one as a few months later her hubby was laid off from a 6 figure income and they had a mountain of debt.
It seems there is one benefit to growing up poor. My friends have never expected me to be able to afford much. That’s how I got to be the permanent DD in college. Somebody would buy be a shot when we got to the bar, and then I would enjoy free soda for the rest of the night. To date, I’ve never paid for a drink at a bar!
I was involved once with a band that played some regular gigs, and once the band broke up the money was distributed in a way that left one of the guys unhappy and he wouldn’t talk to anybody else involved for a couple of years.
My money issues haven’t interfered with friendships. When my friends couldn’t afford to do things, we just cut back. Now that we can’t afford a lot we just don’t go out as much, but you can still enjoy visiting with your friends at home.
I’ve found that naturally I have drifted away from hyper-spender friends. Now M. and I enjoy hosting dinners here at the apartment to relax or we try to attend the myriad of cheap or free events scattered throughout the city. This way we can visit with our friends and it saves everyone a bundle.
I love hearing these stories from you guys!
We have about four really close friends and about a dozen friends overall that we invite over weekly and would drop anything to help out. That said, about half of them are not as budget-friendly with their money as we are. But we like each other enough not to harp on it one way or another. And the activities we do together like potlucks and the occasional movie aren’t making us leave our happy zone.
In general, I think my spouse needs to be on the same spending page as me for peace at home, but my friends can be as nuts as they want on their own time, lol.
This is exactly why I do not loan friends anything that resembles a substantial amount of money.
I’d rather just buy them something outright as a gift than loan them the money in order to preserve the friendship. Forgot your wallet? Fine, lunch is on me, bro. Don’t worry about paying me back.
Thankfully, my friends are always there to cover my butt when I need a couple of bucks.
I can certainly be difficult to navigate friendships when money mindsets are different. I try really hard to supportive of those cutting back (by choice or necessity), and try to avoid putting them in a position where they feel they need to spend money they don’t have. That’s what real friends do, right? I think so.
It is always unfortunate to lose a friend and even more so when it comes to money. I have encountered this many times and have come to these conclusions.
1. You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with — So distancing yourself from friends who hemorrhage money is a good thing.
2. A true friend is someone who evolves with you throughout life — Not just when it’s convenient for them
Don’t beat yourself up, it’s all for the better.
I don’t talk about money at all with my mates so it hasn’t affected me. They want to go to the pub for drinks and always ask me and sometimes I go but I have an allowance so if there’s nothing in it, I say no. If my mates didn’t understand, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. I can understand though the tension that may build when one gets a new job, higher income but any friends that are true friends will stick around and work it out.
My friends and I span the spectrum as far as income levels go, but money never really gets in the way when we get together. Maybe its because we’re a little older now and getting together doesn’t always mean racking up a huge bar tab so there is no need to bicker about who picks up the next round or anything like that.
If you think money problems between friends is bad just experience changing money attitudes between man and wife. You may have similar money attitudes at first but sometimes when the attitudes of the other changes you basically have no where to turn. Then you have problems.
It’s hard to be friends with people who don’t know or don’t understand (or care to understand I should say) your financial situation. Most of my friends are in similar financial situations now, but I did have a few friends in college who were really well off and didn’t understand why I couldn’t go out all the time, or go shopping at expensive stores. We’re not really friends anymore (just drifted apart, probably because I’m too “broke” to be fun
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[...] Have you ever lost a friend over money? That’s the topic being explored by Jennifer Lynn at Broke-Ass Mommy. She’s not talking about loaning someone money and that ending the friendship, but about how, when you make a change in your life, like getting out of debt, some friends can’t seem to support that and try to sabotage your goals. [...]
I’ve never lost a friend over this particular financial situation, but I hate it when you lend money to someone and instead of paying you back they avoid you like the plague. Have had a couple of friendships end like this. The sad thing is, most of the time I wasn’t even counting on seeing the money again and wouldn’t have even asked about it. The friendships didn’t have to die.
[...] When quibbling over finances leads to a rift in friendship. – Broke-Ass Mommy [...]
In my life, I have had to “spring clean” many people who I thought were friends for various reasons. Either I stopped drinking or endangering myself in other ways and they didn’t and would keep putting me in danger, or I would want to grow spiritually, culturally or whatever and they didn’t support it. I would just let them go. Its time. There are only a few people that will remain in your close circle of friends throughout life, they will rise to the top!
‘Friends’ are a self-selecting group. If people don’t understand your predicament (and probably their own but they have their heads stuck in the sand) then they are acquaintances not friends. Just move on! You need people who share your values, not your wallet.
I’ve run into a bit of this myself in the past and it’s always a shame to have it happen. The issue that I have run into mainly, I the past, was loaning money to friends and it always causing an issue. I have moved to if a friend has a need and I can help meet it then I just give it to them without the expectation of repayment.
Great topic. I am getting more frugal, and foresee this type of issue coming up with friends I’m not as bonded with. Also, I have one friend who has done EXCEPTIONALLY well financially, and currently has means quite a bit greater than mine. I am now hearing him tell me stories about things he and his wife do that I’m not comfortably able to afford. It gives us less in common to talk about in some areas, but thankfully we’re longtime friends with a lot in common and a history of good times anyway.
I also think that I’ve drifted away from my bigger spending friends. Plus, we are homebodies now since we have two small kids. Oh well, it happens.
I seem to outgrow many of my friends as they are all still living life as if they are 18 years old and ready to party.
None of them have any future aspirations and I feel like sticking around with them will only keep me from progressing my own life.
[...] Lynn @ Broke-Ass Mommy writes When quibbling over finances leads to a rift in friendship. – Sometime money discussions and escalate to bad feelings, read my experience and [...]
[...] Lynn @ Broke-Ass Mommy writes When quibbling over finances leads to a rift in friendship. – Sometime money discussions and escalate to bad feelings, read my experience and [...]
[...] Lynn @ Broke-Ass Mommy writes When quibbling over finances leads to a rift in friendship. – Sometime money discussions and escalate to bad feelings, read my experience and [...]
[...] Lynn @ Broke-Ass Mommy writes When quibbling over finances leads to a rift in friendship. – Sometime money discussions and escalate to bad feelings, read my experience and [...]
I’ve lost a friend but also made a relationship stronger by overcoming adversity and monetary issues together!
[...] Lynn @ Broke-Ass Mommy writes When quibbling over finances leads to a rift in friendship. – Sometime money discussions and escalate to bad feelings, read my experience and [...]
[...] » When quibbling over finances leads to a rift in friendship. on Broke-Ass Mommy [...]